Bi Polar Heart
I do not think such a thing really exsists, but it is what I seem to be going through. As I have mentioned previously my wife and I having been on a spritual, emotional and physical roller coaster for the last 2-3 years. We did a quite handy job in destroying the trust we each have for one another. The main question both of us have been asking is "Can I trust him/her with my heart again?" To sum up what my side of it has been been for 2 years is that I have been having to share my wife's heart with another man sometimes I wondered if I even had any of it. It even reached the point where I was told "If he had tried he could have had me" or "She wished that she had went to the college he had went to so she would have met him instead of me". So back and forth it went. I was seeing my life starting to break apart I even twice faced the D word. Being the introspective person I am. After rational came back to me anyway I realised that to change my situation I would first have to change myself, my perspective, my priorities and my approach and it had to be real. Not just to keep her, but to once again have her look on me with adoration to believe that fate had smiled upon her not that she had to settle with the cards she had been dealt but to believe she had been blessed.
We went to counseling which helped a great deal with our communication and view of each other. We both realised that we had taken each other for granted. It didn't have the rewards it could have because alot of the big issues was still avoided, but the genesis to recovery of our love had been sewn.
That was then, but that is not now. Now we are passionate toward each other and in life. When we are together things are great we just get lost in each other and time is consequently lost which results in sleep being lost.
So you may be asking if that is how things are "What's the problem?". I do not know if it is for real. My wife assures me that this time she has really let go of her dependance of this other man, but previous assurances that she was recommited to me ended up in more clever ways of covering up their communications with each other which until recently was at least twice a day. That is where the Bi-Polar title comes from. It looks and feels so real this time. I want it to be real. I long for it so bad that it hurts. But is it real? I dread the next cell phone bill coming in. Part of me does not even want to look. I could just be like the metaphoric Ostrich and bury my head in the sand. But that really will not help because deep down I must know if this is real. I had through all of this encouraged my wife to tell me the truth in all things even the bad even the very worst. Some may ask why would you even want to know if it will hurt you. The reason is simple. If she tells me the truth in those situations even to the "I do not love you anymore" then when she says "I love you" & " Everything is ok" then I can take solice in those being real as well. And that is what my heart longs for more than anything else. So anyway as I told my wife this past weekend "I am pretty screwed up right now". I can only hope she will meet this with compassion and help me overcome this as I in turn will do my best to show her that the tyrades are at an end and if we can allow each other to do it. We will live happly "EverAfter".
We went to counseling which helped a great deal with our communication and view of each other. We both realised that we had taken each other for granted. It didn't have the rewards it could have because alot of the big issues was still avoided, but the genesis to recovery of our love had been sewn.
That was then, but that is not now. Now we are passionate toward each other and in life. When we are together things are great we just get lost in each other and time is consequently lost which results in sleep being lost.
So you may be asking if that is how things are "What's the problem?". I do not know if it is for real. My wife assures me that this time she has really let go of her dependance of this other man, but previous assurances that she was recommited to me ended up in more clever ways of covering up their communications with each other which until recently was at least twice a day. That is where the Bi-Polar title comes from. It looks and feels so real this time. I want it to be real. I long for it so bad that it hurts. But is it real? I dread the next cell phone bill coming in. Part of me does not even want to look. I could just be like the metaphoric Ostrich and bury my head in the sand. But that really will not help because deep down I must know if this is real. I had through all of this encouraged my wife to tell me the truth in all things even the bad even the very worst. Some may ask why would you even want to know if it will hurt you. The reason is simple. If she tells me the truth in those situations even to the "I do not love you anymore" then when she says "I love you" & " Everything is ok" then I can take solice in those being real as well. And that is what my heart longs for more than anything else. So anyway as I told my wife this past weekend "I am pretty screwed up right now". I can only hope she will meet this with compassion and help me overcome this as I in turn will do my best to show her that the tyrades are at an end and if we can allow each other to do it. We will live happly "EverAfter".
posted by Mister Mom at 7:42:00 AM
1 Comments:
It is typical of me, when things don't go the way I want them to in my marriage, to think of what I "used to have" or "could have had".
I remember One former love had this particular quality, or would do this certain thing, or looked this certain way, etc. I briefly become nostalgic for that person and wonder "what if?"
I fear however that my wife tires of hearing about how clever or limber a former significant other was capable of being, so even though I'm not lying to her, I decide to go ahead and keep that information to myself. At least I try.
I, before God, family, and friends, pledged my love and dedication to this woman, through everything, good and bad.
Feelings fade, but a promise is forever, and that trancends any romantic 'love' emotions.
I struggle with this greatly too, but my goal is to leave the past in the past, and renew my promise each day to my wife.
I love you all, and will continue to pray for God to strengthen and bless your marriage and family.
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